Y’all. In just three weeks, Sheldon Jr is expected to make his way into the world.
Wait. Let me rephrase that…
IN JUST THREE &$#!^#@* WEEKS, I WILL BE PUSHING A SMALL HUMAN OUT OF MY VAGINA!!!!!!!!!!
(Have you ever had one of those moments when you were kind of freaking out so you called a friend so that they could totally freak out with you? THIS IS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS, PEOPLE!)
In so many ways, I feel like I have JUST gotten the hang of being pregnant.
Those of you who follow me here and on Instagram know that this has not been the easiest of pregnancies. High risk from the beginning, I’ve had to deal with daily injections of blood thinners, a fibroid that put me in the hospital for four days mid-way through month five, and gestational diabetes which was diagnosed at 28 weeks.
Couple this with all the usual pregnancy struggles – morning sickness, sore boobs, a bladder this size of a chipmunk’s, and (perhaps most importantly) NO ALCOHOL TO HELP COPE WITH THIS MADNESS – and let’s just say that this whole pregnant-lady thing has taken some serious getting used to!
And now, just as I’m starting to feel like I’m getting the hang of things, this phase of life is coming to a close and a new and even more complex phase is hovering just around the corner. (There’s a metaphor for life in there somewhere, but I digress…) To be quite frank, y’all, I am a little freaked out about it all.
Three-ish weeks until I finally get to meet this life I’ve been nourishing for the past nine months. Three-ish weeks until I officially become somebody’s mamma. Three-ish weeks until my life changes forever.
And I am so scared y’all.
I’m mourning for the life I have right now because it is the life that I know, the existence that I understand. I find myself wanting to cling to the woman I’ve become and not the woman that I am becoming, because I know me – have spent a lot of time and emotional energy getting to know the me I am today – but this future me is a woman I do not know. I do not know her wants, her needs, her desires. I do not understand her motivations, her fears.
I am scared of the unknown, scared of the inevitable changes in my life and in myself. Not because I fear they will be negative but because I know that they will be unstructured, unplanned, and scariest of all – uncontrollable.
Three-sih weeks until my life changes forever.
And I’m feeling a little like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff and a calm, still voice from deep within me has just whispered in my ear:
“Just close your eyes.